I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
