Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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