he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
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