There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
this will be a night to untag.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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