I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Randomize