I met the friendliest cop last night
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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