Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
