after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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