Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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