I haven't been this sober since birth.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
In America we eat man semen.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Randomize
