im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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