so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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