I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize