I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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