Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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