I want to make a zoo with you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I will pee on everything he values.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
