take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
