everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
