Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
