i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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