You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize