When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
