I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Randomize
