I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
