dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
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