According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
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