I will die if light touches me.
it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
