he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
