Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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