she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
