I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
