I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
