Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
