I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'm like, not good at living.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
