Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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