We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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