My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
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