This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
