you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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