you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
