I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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