When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
