I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
