So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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