what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
