I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
