True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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