Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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