I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
