This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
