Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Randomize
