True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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