Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
