what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize