My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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