In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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