I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
