Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i would punch a child for taco bell
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Randomize