Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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