Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
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