I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
