i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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